A new hope
I
am saddened that we lose so many to suicide.
I was prompted to write this after hearing of Chris Cornell’s death. Like many of my generation we grew up with a steady diet of Grunge. There are not many survivors from that era. I thought Chris was different. His voice was angelic and soulful. He was one of the last survivors, we have lost so many to drug abuse or suicide.
Suicide is the final act of a bloody war that rages within someone.
Some see it as selfish, cowardly, or just a waste.
How could they do that?
They have so much to live for!
What about those that they left behind?
I used to think that suicide was for cowards. Until one day I sat on the edge of my bed in the darkness and stillness of the night readying myself to take my own life.
I realised that they are not cowards, they are not selfish.
They are warriors. Warriors that have taken on the greatest enemy and ultimately could no longer carry on the fight. This is my story.
I was prompted to write this after hearing of Chris Cornell’s death. Like many of my generation we grew up with a steady diet of Grunge. There are not many survivors from that era. I thought Chris was different. His voice was angelic and soulful. He was one of the last survivors, we have lost so many to drug abuse or suicide.
Suicide is the final act of a bloody war that rages within someone.
Some see it as selfish, cowardly, or just a waste.
How could they do that?
They have so much to live for!
What about those that they left behind?
I used to think that suicide was for cowards. Until one day I sat on the edge of my bed in the darkness and stillness of the night readying myself to take my own life.
I realised that they are not cowards, they are not selfish.
They are warriors. Warriors that have taken on the greatest enemy and ultimately could no longer carry on the fight. This is my story.
From having all I wanted in my life, to the point that I ultimately sat on the edge of the bed and made the decision to take my own life, and what came next.
Some
people call it the Blackness
Black Dog
Black Dog
The
beast
Depression
I know it as the Darkness.
Depression
I know it as the Darkness.
When,
you go to war within your own mind.
You are fighting an enemy that knows you so intimately.
Every ounce of you.
You are fighting an enemy that knows you so intimately.
Every ounce of you.
Every
thought.
Every
hope.
Every dream.
It is these things that the mind uses to break you down slowly and methodically. It takes your dreams and turns them against you. Your thoughts are no longer filled with hope. You can longer see neither light nor joy around you.
Every dream.
It is these things that the mind uses to break you down slowly and methodically. It takes your dreams and turns them against you. Your thoughts are no longer filled with hope. You can longer see neither light nor joy around you.
You
are lost in a sea of darkness. A cold desolate space, a void, nothing.
This place is still your mind, but it is no longer familiar or somewhere you want to be, yet you cannot walk away from this. It is your mind.
This place is still your mind, but it is no longer familiar or somewhere you want to be, yet you cannot walk away from this. It is your mind.
Most
times without warning. The darkness, it envelops your mind. The mind turns on
you and you never can respond in time to shut it down.
This is when the war begins.
This is when the war begins.
Your
defences are non-existent and you begin a battle against yourself with nothing.
All the previous strategies you used no longer work to help you combat the
enemy. The enemy that is yourself.
The fight is overwhelming.
Some people turn to vices. Drugs, Alcohol, self harm. Just to quell the assault on the mind. But once the distraction or haze has gone. The battle, the war, it still rages on and you are straight back fighting with your mind.
The fight is overwhelming.
Some people turn to vices. Drugs, Alcohol, self harm. Just to quell the assault on the mind. But once the distraction or haze has gone. The battle, the war, it still rages on and you are straight back fighting with your mind.
Sometimes
a small victory is all you need and other times you have to keep fighting hour
after hour, day after day. The darkness, gets darker.
Words that would be just words now pierce into you, wounding like never before, you smile to hide the pain, but the pain, it is real, it hurts.
You see people around you smiling.
You question why they are smiling.
You start to question everything and everyone and their motives.
They become part of your battle, but now they are also the enemy.
You can’t trust them.
They will be waiting until you are weakened.
How could they do that?
They are my friends and now they have turned on me!
This is how my mind broke me down. It makes you question everything. Your mind makes you overthink every little detail in order to destroy you.
Words that would be just words now pierce into you, wounding like never before, you smile to hide the pain, but the pain, it is real, it hurts.
You see people around you smiling.
You question why they are smiling.
You start to question everything and everyone and their motives.
They become part of your battle, but now they are also the enemy.
You can’t trust them.
They will be waiting until you are weakened.
How could they do that?
They are my friends and now they have turned on me!
This is how my mind broke me down. It makes you question everything. Your mind makes you overthink every little detail in order to destroy you.
You become Anxious and the thought of interaction; any interaction fills you with dread. In fact, it makes you even more anxious.
Anxiety plays on your will to fight your mind. Your mind does this to isolate you.
Many people will notice that you are withdrawing. Sometimes you even have the courage to say something to friends but you never really let on how hard you doing it.
They offer to be free anytime you want to pick up the phone and chat.
I
know I do.
But
it is just lip service.
I
know I will never pick up the phone and call someone while I am fighting my
battles, but somehow I just think that if I offer that, I am seen as helping.
Trust me it doesn’t make people who are suffering feel any better.
We are being tormented from within. We are closing connections and withdrawing from our social networks. To pick up the phone is like asking us to pick up great white shark. It is just not going to happen.
The better option is to call personally. I have a great mate who is almost like an older brother to me. He called me up when I had mentioned I was going through a rough trot. He drove an hour just to sit with me in the freezing cold and listen to me babble on.
That is what I needed. It might seem insignificant to him, but it meant the world to me.
We are being tormented from within. We are closing connections and withdrawing from our social networks. To pick up the phone is like asking us to pick up great white shark. It is just not going to happen.
The better option is to call personally. I have a great mate who is almost like an older brother to me. He called me up when I had mentioned I was going through a rough trot. He drove an hour just to sit with me in the freezing cold and listen to me babble on.
That is what I needed. It might seem insignificant to him, but it meant the world to me.
I
can remember the exact moment that my journey to that end of my bed moment
started.
I was made redundant.
No warning.
I was made redundant.
No warning.
I
had no choice or say.
I was let go.
The day started out with an all-day meeting to plan the strategy for the next 12 months. It was more a sales meeting, I was called in to provide insight with operations, how my team could assist the sales team in achieving their goals, and offer insight to sales on how we processed the inventory and capacity.
I was let go.
The day started out with an all-day meeting to plan the strategy for the next 12 months. It was more a sales meeting, I was called in to provide insight with operations, how my team could assist the sales team in achieving their goals, and offer insight to sales on how we processed the inventory and capacity.
The
morning flew by. Lots of great ideas flowed and the feeling was upbeat.
We then broke for lunch.
I wanted to head down to talk to my team and just get a feel how things were going.
Instead I was asked to stay back with the National manager and a HR representative. Nothing unusual as I had a new starter so was thinking it would be a debrief on his performance.
How FUCKING WRONG was I!!
The sombre look on the faces as I entered a tiny meeting room meant I knew that this was a not about my new starter. My mind started racing. Thinking back to see if I had done something wrong.
Would I be getting a formal warning? Why would I though, I have not done anything to constitute a warning.
We then broke for lunch.
I wanted to head down to talk to my team and just get a feel how things were going.
Instead I was asked to stay back with the National manager and a HR representative. Nothing unusual as I had a new starter so was thinking it would be a debrief on his performance.
How FUCKING WRONG was I!!
The sombre look on the faces as I entered a tiny meeting room meant I knew that this was a not about my new starter. My mind started racing. Thinking back to see if I had done something wrong.
Would I be getting a formal warning? Why would I though, I have not done anything to constitute a warning.
On
the table was a A4 envelope with my name scrawled on it. Oh I have being here
before. I now know what was coming. This is never any good.
Through the fake smiles I could see that they were nervous.
I focused on my breathing.
Slow, methodical, deep.
That room already small, became smaller. My mind began racing. I could see and hear all that was going around me but I did not process it. My mind was protecting me (sometimes it actually is not so evil).
Then came the words out of Tracey’s mouth.
It was like a break up. They said we are happy with my performance and all the hard work in making the division much more agile as well as creating new ways to do get things done,(so good it was rolled out nationally)
It is us.
Not you.
We made the decision in January but needed you to complete the relocation process and creation of processes at our new site.
Through the fake smiles I could see that they were nervous.
I focused on my breathing.
Slow, methodical, deep.
That room already small, became smaller. My mind began racing. I could see and hear all that was going around me but I did not process it. My mind was protecting me (sometimes it actually is not so evil).
Then came the words out of Tracey’s mouth.
It was like a break up. They said we are happy with my performance and all the hard work in making the division much more agile as well as creating new ways to do get things done,(so good it was rolled out nationally)
It is us.
Not you.
We made the decision in January but needed you to complete the relocation process and creation of processes at our new site.
WOW
way to feel wanted right?
I felt used. I would work stupid hours and for them to treat me like that.
I still remember the numbness. I knew right then, that I would be visited by the Darkness soon enough.
The drive home I was a mess.
I called my wife angry, how could they do that and then I burst into tears. I had let her down, I let the family down, I had lost my job. That is when the voice came, when the Darkness began to slowly consume me. That moment at what I thought was my lowest point, my battle began.
I would put on a brave face, get up and apply for roles, get ready for interviews and follow up on the interactions I had with prospective employers. I was making all the right moves, doing everything I could. But days dragged on to weeks. Those weeks dragged on to months. Months and months.
With each day and each rejection I fell deeper in to grasp of the Darkness. I no longer felt the warmth, only cold. My mind was getting weaker, I was losing control. Offers to help me get any work were rejected. I had a sense of pride. I had worked hard to be a leader. I felt a job driving a forklift was below my skillset and the offer was firmly rejected. I was trying to gain control of my life not realising that I had rejected what I truly needed in my life.
A Purpose.
I felt used. I would work stupid hours and for them to treat me like that.
I still remember the numbness. I knew right then, that I would be visited by the Darkness soon enough.
The drive home I was a mess.
I called my wife angry, how could they do that and then I burst into tears. I had let her down, I let the family down, I had lost my job. That is when the voice came, when the Darkness began to slowly consume me. That moment at what I thought was my lowest point, my battle began.
I would put on a brave face, get up and apply for roles, get ready for interviews and follow up on the interactions I had with prospective employers. I was making all the right moves, doing everything I could. But days dragged on to weeks. Those weeks dragged on to months. Months and months.
With each day and each rejection I fell deeper in to grasp of the Darkness. I no longer felt the warmth, only cold. My mind was getting weaker, I was losing control. Offers to help me get any work were rejected. I had a sense of pride. I had worked hard to be a leader. I felt a job driving a forklift was below my skillset and the offer was firmly rejected. I was trying to gain control of my life not realising that I had rejected what I truly needed in my life.
A Purpose.
I
had got to the point where I had zero motivation to get out of bed, shower and
be productive at all. When I did it was like I was pulling out my own teeth.
The effort to get up out of bed and function, like any other normal person was immense. All I wanted to do was hide. My wife could see the changes in me. She could only look on as I turned into exactly what the Darkness had been working to do.
I became withdrawn, every rejection from a job became bitterly personal. The words of sorry, cut me, wounded me. These wounds would be 10 to 20 a day. Like thousands of paper cuts constantly slicing into me. Painfully cutting into my soul.
I would get angry. Really angry.
I had lost control and I was going to burn stuff to the ground. I turned on my wife. We fought constantly. I grew to resent her and her constant asking on what was happening with my job seeking and how every time I would bring up the rejections, I would feel those wounds open me up more. The pain was immense. I would snap and make her feel as pained as I was. I had no control. I just wanted the pain that I was feeling to go away. I did not want to revisit the pain again from earlier in the day, but her incessant attempts to connect with me on the job searching would bring up that pain and suffering.
My children also bore my pain. I became controlling, domineering and aggressive. I would snap at the slightest noise. It could have been a split drink. I would rain fire and brimstone upon them. I was trying to control something, anything in my life. I knew what I was doing was wrong. They are my shining lights but I was firmly now in the grips of the Darkness that they were just things that annoyed me. They were no longer my light but another weapon for the Darkness to use against me.
How could they do that ?
Why are they not listening to me?
I told them to stop!
They just could not bear to be around me and I could not bear to be around them. I was horrible. I would snap at them, I would yell, scream, curse, get so angry at any mistake they would make. I felt powerless over them as Mummy would come and rescue them as I wallowed in the Darkness.
The Darkness would shout at me, telling me how much of a crap father I was.
I was not worthy of children.
I am so horrible.
I should die.
The kids deserve a real man.
It went on and on.
I started to believe it, and then my wife would repeat the some of the same things as the Darkness.
She had turned her back on me.
I was now truly alone.
My resentment grew
The effort to get up out of bed and function, like any other normal person was immense. All I wanted to do was hide. My wife could see the changes in me. She could only look on as I turned into exactly what the Darkness had been working to do.
I became withdrawn, every rejection from a job became bitterly personal. The words of sorry, cut me, wounded me. These wounds would be 10 to 20 a day. Like thousands of paper cuts constantly slicing into me. Painfully cutting into my soul.
I would get angry. Really angry.
I had lost control and I was going to burn stuff to the ground. I turned on my wife. We fought constantly. I grew to resent her and her constant asking on what was happening with my job seeking and how every time I would bring up the rejections, I would feel those wounds open me up more. The pain was immense. I would snap and make her feel as pained as I was. I had no control. I just wanted the pain that I was feeling to go away. I did not want to revisit the pain again from earlier in the day, but her incessant attempts to connect with me on the job searching would bring up that pain and suffering.
My children also bore my pain. I became controlling, domineering and aggressive. I would snap at the slightest noise. It could have been a split drink. I would rain fire and brimstone upon them. I was trying to control something, anything in my life. I knew what I was doing was wrong. They are my shining lights but I was firmly now in the grips of the Darkness that they were just things that annoyed me. They were no longer my light but another weapon for the Darkness to use against me.
How could they do that ?
Why are they not listening to me?
I told them to stop!
They just could not bear to be around me and I could not bear to be around them. I was horrible. I would snap at them, I would yell, scream, curse, get so angry at any mistake they would make. I felt powerless over them as Mummy would come and rescue them as I wallowed in the Darkness.
The Darkness would shout at me, telling me how much of a crap father I was.
I was not worthy of children.
I am so horrible.
I should die.
The kids deserve a real man.
It went on and on.
I started to believe it, and then my wife would repeat the some of the same things as the Darkness.
She had turned her back on me.
I was now truly alone.
My resentment grew
How
could she do this?
She did it to protect and shield my babies form me. She did the only thing she could do.
She had completely shut me out. She went into a protective mode. To protect the children and herself she no longer would actively be part of my life. I desperately tried to win her affections but I kept messing up I was trying too hard and she had her heart and my children to protect. I lashed out a lot.
This was like a tactical nuke for the Darkness. I had lost my ally and they have now turned against me.
I had got to the point in my life were all the good was gone. I was seeing only darkness.
No hope.
She and I fought and we fought.
I lost control of everything in my life EVERYTHING!
The physical changes in me showed dramatically, I was putting weight so quickly, yet, I was hardly eating. The pain would exhibit on my face as eczema. It was red, angry and fiery. I looked terrible but I could not care.
I lost control of my own body.
I could no longer tie my shoe laces up.
I could not go to the toilet properly as I had gotten so fat
Everything I would wear was ill fitting and looked horrible
All this added to my despair
The Darkness continued the assault on me using this as a new weapon, one it never used before.
This war within my mind raged on for almost a year.
I had enough.
My physical world had fallen apart around me.
I was too invested in fighting my mind that my marriage was on paper only.
I was going through a separation.
She did it to protect and shield my babies form me. She did the only thing she could do.
She had completely shut me out. She went into a protective mode. To protect the children and herself she no longer would actively be part of my life. I desperately tried to win her affections but I kept messing up I was trying too hard and she had her heart and my children to protect. I lashed out a lot.
This was like a tactical nuke for the Darkness. I had lost my ally and they have now turned against me.
I had got to the point in my life were all the good was gone. I was seeing only darkness.
No hope.
She and I fought and we fought.
I lost control of everything in my life EVERYTHING!
The physical changes in me showed dramatically, I was putting weight so quickly, yet, I was hardly eating. The pain would exhibit on my face as eczema. It was red, angry and fiery. I looked terrible but I could not care.
I lost control of my own body.
I could no longer tie my shoe laces up.
I could not go to the toilet properly as I had gotten so fat
Everything I would wear was ill fitting and looked horrible
All this added to my despair
The Darkness continued the assault on me using this as a new weapon, one it never used before.
This war within my mind raged on for almost a year.
I had enough.
My physical world had fallen apart around me.
I was too invested in fighting my mind that my marriage was on paper only.
I was going through a separation.
I
never thought it would get to a point where I would lose the one I loved, yet
here I was, heading down the road of a messy separation and divorce.
Each time another piece of me died. Slowly, methodically, I was breaking down. The voice in my head will tell me that I was worthless.
Each time another piece of me died. Slowly, methodically, I was breaking down. The voice in my head will tell me that I was worthless.
I
was weak.
I
was less of a man.
Your kids hate you.
No one wants here.
You should just die.
Go and save everyone the pain and kill yourself.
My mind would say these things like a mantra.
Over and over,
over and over again.
It was forcing me deeper into the darkness. It was becoming all that I would know. Growing ever darker in my mind.
Your kids hate you.
No one wants here.
You should just die.
Go and save everyone the pain and kill yourself.
My mind would say these things like a mantra.
Over and over,
over and over again.
It was forcing me deeper into the darkness. It was becoming all that I would know. Growing ever darker in my mind.
So
dark. An inky blackness.
Whilst in my mind, I was fighting for the last piece of hope. I felt surrounded. My mind had the upper hand. It could deal the final blow.
Whilst in my mind, I was fighting for the last piece of hope. I felt surrounded. My mind had the upper hand. It could deal the final blow.
I
was ready.
I felt I lost everything in the physical world, so my choice was easy.
I would not let my mind take this last bit of me.
I would fall on my own sword.
I felt I lost everything in the physical world, so my choice was easy.
I would not let my mind take this last bit of me.
I would fall on my own sword.
Like a noble Samurai.
I
will not be captured!
I
will die by my own hand.
A
symbolic seppuku.
I
sat there, my heart so heavy now suddenly felt free. I noted my thoughts. I wrote them
down.
The
Darkness watched with anticipation. It knew victory was assured. The smile it
showed in the darkness was unforgettable. Like the Chesire cat in Alice in Wonderland.
My
writings were not a suicide note. They were my emotions written down much like
this here.
Words like helplessness, fear, pain, worthlessness. They flowed like water pouring out. A trickle at first, then it increased, I wrote and rewrote my ramblings.
At the end I had spent most of the night writing my emotions down. I then sent it to the only person I thought cared.
Words like helplessness, fear, pain, worthlessness. They flowed like water pouring out. A trickle at first, then it increased, I wrote and rewrote my ramblings.
At the end I had spent most of the night writing my emotions down. I then sent it to the only person I thought cared.
I
sat at the end of my bed, the bed that I once shared with my wife.
The bed where I created those little people who I loved so much, the bed that would have my children join me when they were scared at night or just wanted to cuddle with mum and dad.
Beside me on the bed were the pills I was going to consume to take my life, at the ready.
I was going to overdose.
I was going to die in my sleep.
The Darkness, my mind, will consume my lifeless body and have a hollow victory.
The bed where I created those little people who I loved so much, the bed that would have my children join me when they were scared at night or just wanted to cuddle with mum and dad.
Beside me on the bed were the pills I was going to consume to take my life, at the ready.
I was going to overdose.
I was going to die in my sleep.
The Darkness, my mind, will consume my lifeless body and have a hollow victory.
I
sat there. In the darkness. Gathering the last of my courage, to commit the
final act of my life.
THE FINAL ACT OF MY LIFE!
Here I was with the last remaining shred of control I had and I was going to give that up.
THE FINAL ACT OF MY LIFE!
Here I was with the last remaining shred of control I had and I was going to give that up.
Then
out of the quiet of the night.
A
ding.
A
notification.
An email reply was in my inbox.
The
one person I sent that email to, had read it.
My father had no idea what I was
just about to commit to. I just sent him a rambling email about my emotions.
All
of a sudden my mind, the Darkness was no longer smiling at my impending death
and its final victory. No it was retreating.
Hope,
no matter how small, had returned. His words from that reply shook me, awakened
my will. Gave me a reason to flush those pills down the toilet.
I
watched as the fog in my mind began to clear. My tears were cleansing me of my pain. The tide had turned. I began to fight my way back.
The reason to live was right there, the words like ammunition started my assault on life.
My mind ran, it ran like an animal being hunted.
I was no longer the prey.
Those words whilst I cannot remember what they were.
They started my journey. My journey back
The reason to live was right there, the words like ammunition started my assault on life.
My mind ran, it ran like an animal being hunted.
I was no longer the prey.
Those words whilst I cannot remember what they were.
They started my journey. My journey back
That
was the closest I had come to quitting for good. That singular moment in my life changed everything.
The universe stepped in and said not today.
I still have my battles but that was by far the hardest one.
From that day on, I have made changes. I was scared to change but knew I had to. The first step on a new path is always the longest hardest and scariest. After what I had being through I was no longer afraid though!
I spoke about my thoughts
I was lost because, I felt I did not belong.
The universe stepped in and said not today.
I still have my battles but that was by far the hardest one.
From that day on, I have made changes. I was scared to change but knew I had to. The first step on a new path is always the longest hardest and scariest. After what I had being through I was no longer afraid though!
I spoke about my thoughts
I was lost because, I felt I did not belong.
I now feel accepted amongst my peers and my culture.
I have a mentor. His guidance has been a huge part in my transformation. Both physically, mentally, and spiritually.
I have spoken to a professional. I plan on speaking to them more. I do feel I don’t have much to say. Especially since writing and sharing this has being such a cleansing for my soul. I will still go, as I need to.
I am working on repairing the damages done with my children, as well as my wife. To see them smiling in my presence is magical. I have had to learn to take selfies as my kids love them. (I still don’t take a good one!)
I
am also working in a role and career that I would never think of undertaking,
as well as study.
It is refreshing. I am challenged everyday and it is only going to be more challenging day after day after day
I enjoy what I do and the flexibility it is now providing me.
It is refreshing. I am challenged everyday and it is only going to be more challenging day after day after day
I enjoy what I do and the flexibility it is now providing me.
To
my fellow warriors.
Don't stop fighting.
The battle will never be over.
I know that.
There is always a reason to keep fighting.
One day you just might win a complete victory.
Don't stop fighting.
The battle will never be over.
I know that.
There is always a reason to keep fighting.
One day you just might win a complete victory.
I
don't have the answer.
I do know your struggle. I have sat at the edge and prayed to die. My struggle was too big for me. It took me sharing my thoughts, emotions and hopelessness to be empowered and put my demons back into a box.
I do know your struggle. I have sat at the edge and prayed to die. My struggle was too big for me. It took me sharing my thoughts, emotions and hopelessness to be empowered and put my demons back into a box.
I
still hear the Darkness taunting me. The voice calling out to me. Telling me
that I am weak
Worthless
Not
worthy
The
list goes on. It tells me to kill myself.
The
self-doubt that sometimes creeps inside me, weakens me, allows the voices to
get louder.
I know that this is my own voice.
I quell the voice down by connecting to things greater than I could ever understand.
I connect with the earth.
I let the rain wash over me,
Feel the dirt/sand/mud between my toes
Swim in the ocean
A creek
A water hole
Whatever I can to connect back to the planet that provides for me.
I know that this is my own voice.
I quell the voice down by connecting to things greater than I could ever understand.
I connect with the earth.
I let the rain wash over me,
Feel the dirt/sand/mud between my toes
Swim in the ocean
A creek
A water hole
Whatever I can to connect back to the planet that provides for me.
That
connection is beyond comprehension. It works for me. The calmness it instills.
The energy I receive charges my soul.
For
others it could be something else altogether different.
Never
forget that you are not alone in your battle.
Call upon reinforcements. I now am open with my feelings and have the best group of people to call upon in a time of need. They don't judge and never will. They are an amazing group of people.
Call upon reinforcements. I now am open with my feelings and have the best group of people to call upon in a time of need. They don't judge and never will. They are an amazing group of people.
Seek
out those who will be there for you. They are always going to be there.
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